TOO ZEN TO PARTY

I Moved!

2010-07-13T11:09:00.000+08:00

Worst of Times, Best of Times.

2010-06-10T13:06:00.011+08:00

After much traveling, my TTC certificate is finally here! Wrapped in three envelops and layers of masking tape, slightly bent, but still in acceptable shape!

Also in the mailbox was a pretty postcard from Greece! How wonderful would it be if I could teleport myself there this very moment?

In a couple of hours I'll be saying bye-bye to my Yamaha P85, my best friend for the past eight months. It's not the best piano in the world, perhaps even a little inadquate for Chopin pieces, but it went through frustration and fun with me, and did its best job to make me happy. Hopefully a hip and sleek new music toy comes in replacement soonish.

I had just enough time to record my last piece on it:

A Richard Clayderman classic from way back.

There will be no more time devoted to self-hating, worrying and deviating the mind from the present moment. The future is always that abstrat concept before it's really here.

June goals:

catching up on yoga practice and mediation - how am I ever going to get ready to teach with the inconsistent practice I'm currently getting?!

some form of cardio (not having a gym membership anymore makes me incredibly lazy)

learn Waltz in C# Minor Op.64, No. 2 (most beautiful waltz in the world believe me)

get rid of all the useless crap and pack everything else

Quote of the day:

Self-awareness.

2010-06-03T01:19:00.002+08:00

I hated myself when I resorted to food for comfort, as if eating was the only way to make me feel better.

I hated myself for constantly going back to the worst memory, and dramatizing it just to sadden myself.

I hated myself when I couldn't even check off a single item on my to-do list.

I hated that when my alarm didn't go off, I would wake up three hours later than I'd wanted to.

I hated when I left things I could do right this moment to the next day.

I hated the feeling of carrying a heavy and sluggish body.

I hated when I fell into depression because I failed to be grateful.

I hated the thought of 'where has my day gone?'

I hated waking up exhausted, because the mind had been so restless.

I hated the combination of time, energy, money and aloneness.

I hated the fact my days were so stagnent the only thing I could wish for was being breathlessly busy.

I hated waking up with fear.

I hated when I didn't feel the need anymore, to tell anyone about my problems.

I felt sad when I got rejected for a part-time telemarketing position, most possibly because I spoke proper English.

I felt sad when I ate a whole bunch of cakes by myself on my birthday.

I felt sad that I couldn't trust my teenage instinct, and had to be proven wrong for the second time.

I felt sad when I saw the reason behind everything.

I felt sad when I started thinking ignorance wasn't such a bad thing.

I felt sad when I stopped wanting to help people whose stubbornness was transforming into deeper suffering each day.

I felt sad that I had to return, just as I was ready to go further, more than ever.

I felt sad to see myself making every attempt to stay hopeful, no matter how many times I'd been defeated.

I felt sad when smile came with tears.

I felt sad that when I was happy, I had no one to share the joy.

I felt sad when I knew I would never be as sad as I used to be.

Back in the Hood.

2010-05-27T22:47:00.000+08:00

Then it's the end of May. It doesn't surprise me anymore that I'm traveling in time at the speed of light.

These few days have been reminiscent, not exactly in the most nostalgic way though. Most of the time the way I spend my day and the thoughts that arise remind me of the more depressing times I've had. As a teenager, I'd always had too much to think; my mind was constantly overloaded with thoughts, mostly obsessive, negative and biased. As I learned over time to let them go, take it easy, and not worry about things out of hand, I've started to notice that the mind has become somewhat dysfunctional. It has lost its way, because it knows it's free to go anywhere.

Perhaps I'm one out of the a trillion people who is stuck in confusion 99% of the time. Well at least that gives us a sense of purpose in life - to find our way out of the confused self.

I have been asking myself for a good while now: If I leave here for good, what exactly am I going to miss about this city?

Would it be the cleanness?

Or how pedestrian friendly it is?

All the greenery?

Or the peace and quietness that isn't found elsewhere?

I can't say for sure. I'll leave it till the day I'm out of here to find out.

So.

In between green walks around the neighborhood, and trips to the library, I caught up on all the Desperate Housewives episodes I missed last month. It really hurt me when it got to part where Eddie (the serial killer of young girls in town)'s past was explained; one thing I can't handle in TV shows or movies is watching absolutely lonely and mistreated people who take it all in, and keep things to themselves.

Meanwhile, a few more food items have been crossed off my Things to Eat list.

Sushi at some boutique Japanese restaurant!

Korean pancake!! Everything else was tongue-burningly hot!

Cheese fries!

I also made stuff that isn't on the list. I figured making your own food is still the best way to eat - you're the most conscious of what's in your food.

Scrambled eggs with tomatoes....

...and stir-fried whole-wheat spaghetti!

Until I'm less confused and more inspired, bye and happy summer!

Too Much for the Mind, Let's Rewind. - Part III

2010-05-18T15:37:00.011+08:00

The Very First Day

After a hectic few weeks, I finally got my visa and itinerary settled and was ready to go. Failing to find an affordable technical backpack, I brought my regular one and packed as light as I could – without running shoes, socks, jackets or any warm clothing.

By nine o'clock this very morning, I was seated comfortably on an Air India flight to Delhi. The five hours on board were spent on watching Wake Up Sid and picking on an omelet that’s made of at least five eggs, and vegetarian sausages that look and taste like meat (yucks!).

Everything seemed to signal a perfect start to a hassle-free journey. Until… I landed in Delhi. The city at first sight shocked me: people sitting outside the airport in groups, ten different types of taxi’s, the heat, and the crowd. Baggage claim took nearly 40 minutes, after which I started panicking because I had another flight to catch.

Being a self-claimed savvy traveler I am, I thought I’d planned out everything perfectly. My final destination, the ashram, was a two-day trip from Delhi; to save all the time I can, I’d planned on flying to Haridwar from Delhi at around 3:00PM, staying there for the night, and taking a taxi to the ashram the next morning. So I had both my international domestic flights booked, got a hotel room in haridwar, and made plans with a friend to share the taxi he’d booked. I was even trying to get a pickup service to the hotel, and the fact that I didn’t turned out be the wisest choice.

Because, what I realized, as soon as I got my luggage, was that the departure hall wasn’t just a few footsteps away from where I was; it’s at the domestic airport that is 8 km away! Hearing that hit me right in the head. HOLY CRAP?! To add to the panic, I got informed only this morning that the flight was going to take off 35 minutes earlier than the scheduled time. Had I not gone online at the airport, I wouldn’t have even known!

What happened then seemed pretty predictable. So the new departure time was at 2:15PM, I got my luggage at about 1:40, and ran around the whole arrival hall to get a taxi to the domestic airport. It was 2:00 when I got onto the taxi, and we arrived at 2:15 sharp. I sprinted to the check-in counter with my last hope, only to find out the flight had already departed. Apparently every flight from that airport was leaving an hour earlier than they should’ve been. Reasons? Unknown. But what it meant to me was that it killed the chance of getting on a later flight, which was full anyway, and had left right after I found out there was one.

I’ll never forget just how frantic and hopeless I felt knowing this. Nearly breaking into tears, I still had this one goal fixed in my head – to get to Haridwar by today, WHATEVER it takes. The only alternative to the one-hour flight now, was a six-hour drive, and that is, if I left as soon as I could. The airline people had warned me not to travel by road, because it was soon getting late, and I was by myself. But I couldn’t afford to wait till the next day to fly and have all my plans remade.

If I had been any less desperate, I wouldn’t have made the same decision. With the help of a guy from the Information Desk, I finally got a taxi that was willing to go outside Delhi and wasn’t overcharging. Standing next to the taxi, I was still battling with myself, am I really doing this?

I took a deep breath and shook off the last bit of hesitation. It can’t be so bad. What is life without risks? The driver was guy in his mid-30s (maybe?) that looked like every other taxi driver there, and spoke no English. I decided to trust him fully. I had to.

We got on the road at about a quarter to four. On this particular day, Delhi was five times hotter than the hottest Singapore can ever be. The taxi had all its windows down, and needless to say, no aircon. Somehow I was able to find peace in all of that, and soon dozed off. Perhaps being in such heat reminded me of tanning on the beach. When I opened my eyes again we’d lost all the crazy traffic in city Delhi, and were driving along the Ganga river, with trees and rice fields on the other side. He put on some Hindi music, and I napped peacefully, almost forgetting all the hassle I’d been going through.

The sun started setting at seven o’clock, and by nine, it was pitch dark. Anxiety and alertness soon took over tiredness; I sat up straight, and caught myself holding my breath. We were still driving through lots and lots of trees. It almost felt like a late-night treasure hunt in the jungle, no lampposts, or any English signs, and the road surface was severely uneven.

I was feeling ambivalent; if I hadn’t been worrying about where I was going, I would’ve most definitely enjoyed the ride, because after all, how often do I get to do this? I was also amazed by how fast change came about; one day I’m living this changeless, worriless and stress-free life that was almost too peaceful to be true, and the next thing I know, I’m sitting here, too senselessly worried to even star gaze, or feel the cool night breeze on me.

At 10:00PM we finally found our way out of the ‘jungle,’ and seeing street lights, shops and traffic was just as calming and soothing as sipping iced tea with aloe vera on a hot summer day. I made it to the hotel at about 11:00PM, after another hour of driving around the city.

Arriving in Haridwar. The driver needed to top up his cellphone.

I was so happy, and sooo relieved. I MADE IT. I felt so lucky that nothing happened; the car didn’t break down, we didn’t get lost, and that the driver is such an honest and nice man.

The guy from the Information Desk at Delhi Airport, Grv, called my room soon after I checked in. He’d also been calling the driver every once in a while throughout the ride to make sure I was safe. How much luckier could I have been?

I collapsed on the bed right away, unready for another six hours on the road tomorrow morning. I was too exhausted to think, move, or even dream.

My taxi driver, Mahesh, however, had enough energy and drove all the way back to Delhi…

The End

P.S. So now you know, it's not that I didn't bring any extra money to put myself in such situation on my last day. I obviously didn't foresee THAT many unexpected scenarios to arise! I paid about a little over 100 Singapore Dollars for the ride.

P.P.S. A few days ago I called Kingfisher Airlines and got a full refund of the flight I missed!

So in a way, I saved...

Too Much for the Mind, Let's Rewind. - Part II

2010-05-13T11:38:00.003+08:00

The Second Last Day

The day started with an intense two hours of advanced pranayama. Our teacher's warned us how powerful this practice can be, physically and emotionally, only I didn't even think twice about it.

My concentration was great, but the mind wasn't still at all. It’s as if there was a rolling film in my head; It compiled millions of clips from my childhood to early teenage-hood. With each breath retention, one of the clips expanded and auto played itself. There were vivid images of various things - flag ceremony in elementary school, myself eating donut (my favorite snack as a child), streets around the school area, and shops, restaurants and bus stops in the old neighborhood. I’ve thought about the past a lot, and sometimes dream about it too, but never have I retrieved so deeply into the memory to examine every single detail the way I did this time. By the time we got to relaxation I was tearing, and having a hard time bringing myself back to the present moment.

When I finally did it felt brilliant though. I stayed in silence for a brief moment, and then a message came to me. It read something like: life isn't about constantly adapting yourself to pace up with the ever-changing world; it is to stay connected with the inner self and the unchanging peace from within; this way you'll always have the strength you need to overcome challenges.

Then it was our final revision class, and the usual two hours of asanas. After dinner I had about two hours to study for a three-hour exam, that is, to be written at 4:00AM the next morning (dawn). Obviously I gave up on memorizing the millions of Sanskrit names and focused on what I knew. Strangely enough, I was actually pretty excited about the exam; has it been too long since I’ve had one? I thought I only graduated less than a year ago.

And of course, I needed to say bye-bye to the fellow yogis, however little time I had.

Failing to fall asleep as early as I wanted to, I lied awake in bed and let the thoughts wander. The second half of the TTC had become a mental and physical challenge when I started dealing with sickness on a much-too-regular basis. Each time I got sick it came with the whole package: massive headache, fever, diarrhea, along with loss of appetite and energy.

Although I wholeheartedly believe the saying that this is all part of purification and detoxification, it’s almost impossible for the mind to rise above physical discomfort and remain clear, and still.

Whenever sickness takes over the body and the mind, there’s hardly room for contemplation, self-reflection, or thoughts in general. But what really stresses the mind out is that I’m subconsciously aware of how much I need a clear mind more than any other time right now, in order to stay present, be with the moment, and soak in all the spiritual learning the best I can.

Good thing that I usually recover almost as quickly as I fall sick. On days where I’m pumped and jumping around, there’s always an extra sense of gratitude and relief. Nothing makes me feel better than coming into every posture fully, feeling hungry before each meal, chanting with a full voice, and being able to enjoy the beauty of the nature.

After a few rounds of hide-and-seek with the appetite, I was left with a mild nausea which turned the once-so-perfect food extremely unpleasant. I avoided any type of curry for the most part, and each meal reduced in amount. Most often I’d eat plain noodle, rice, cous cous or chapatti’s. I actually thought those things tasted better on their own. Then I began wondering if I could eat anything right how, what would it be? And it surprised me that I had no cravings. So I started making a list of foods that would be the most comforting to me right now, just to make sure I wasn’t becoming anorexic.

So far a few things have been crossed off.

Vegetarian pizza feast the first day I got back. (I'd been starving for about 15 hours at that point.)

Bread from the best bakery in town.

Kimchi cheese ramen with coconut milk.

Organic dark chocolate.

But now that I'm no longer away from civilization, I don't know if I actually want to eat everything that's listed. After all, how would it feel like a treat when every food item you can possibly think of was at such easy access?

(To be continued...)

Too Much for the Mind, Let's Rewind. - Part I

2010-05-11T19:05:00.006+08:00

My last day in India

I woke up at the ungodly hour of 3:30 A.M. to do my TTC exam. Surprisingly, with less than 5 hours of sleep, my mind and body cooperated well enough to retrieve all the stuff I memorized the night before. I vaguely remember putting 'Eating below the BMR would not provide enough energy for the body to function properly' under the question 'What are the mental and physical benefits of fasting?' It was about 6:30 A.M. when I got done, and by then the drowsiness had kicked in. I swallowed a banana and popped in a travel-sickness tablet and got on the road.

Normally it's a two-day trip from where I was to Delhi, but I had about 17 hours. It would be a six-hour drive to the nearest domestic airport, and from there I would take a one-hour flight to Delhi, chill in for maybe an hour or two, and be at the airport on time for my flight back to Singapore at midnight. Yes, if I’d had any other choice, I would've planned my itinerary differently.

After two hours on the road, I was too tired to sit upright and decided to lie down, and that's when a sudden nausea hit me and before I realized what was happening, I’d thrown up. It was cold, and raining; I had to stand in the rain for a few moments just to breathe. The rest of the drive was slow and peaceful and pretty pleasant, except that I didn't get any rest at all.

Jolly Grant Airport was by far the most ghetto airport I’ve been to - about the size of a bus interchange, with two check-in counters operating.

I napped half-awake at the airport, and then it was time for boarding. The flight was hassle-free and I got to Delhi well before 6:00 P.M. Exhaling deeply, I felt thankful that everything went as planned. Well. So far. I headed right to town, taking my only opportunity of the whole trip to be a tourist.

I found a nice café to grab a bite - baked potato with sour cream and chives, along with some garlic bread - first proper meal of the day. And first non-chapatti/non-curry meal in about a month.

The bill came out to about 300 rupees, and I tried to pay with a 1000-rupee note. After a couple of minutes, the waiter came back with my bill and my money, saying that the note was torn on the edge and they wouldn't accept it. That note has been staying in my wallet untouched for about a month, and not a single part was missing the first time I got it. Either there has been a war in my wallet without me knowing, or something magical has happened between where my table was and the cashier. If I had more money, or more time, I wouldn't even bother. But problem was, I had neither. After an extended conversation with the manager, I wound up paying with all the change I had left and some Singapore dollars to get myself outa there.

And now I needed a taxi to the airport.

It was dark and scary by the time I got outa the restaurant, but I had too much on my mind to care. I knew if I didn't get a taxi soon enough, I’d be in bigger trouble. After walking for about two blocks, I found a taxi service at the street corner, with a group of about eight men sitting around. The ride would cost Rs.450. Still not realizing just how wary Indians are about partially torn notes, I thought maybe they'd take my money. It’s still money after all.

But you would've guessed how wrong I had been.

The situation went from bad to worse once they saw my note and realized that that's the only money I’d had left. I half-pleaded the driver to get me to the airport first and I’d figure out a way to pay him. Begging for sympathy probably wasn't the best strategy, but desperation and fear had taken over my mind. How dangerous it could’ve been, just to be standing at the street corner with a bunch of men never even crossed my mind. There was only one word on my mind, or maybe two, ‘Airport. Please.’

But even the worst nightmares don’t go on forever, right? They always end with an escape, or a rescue.

One of the older men among all these guys seemed to have sense the despair in my voice and decided to help. He whipped out the only 400 Rs. he had on him to pay for me, and went with me to the airport to make sure that I get there safe. On our way to the airport he said a lot of things, but the only thing I heard was, 'It's God that is helping you.'

As I sat at the boarding gate my mind felt like a huge mess; I was still unclear of what had just happened. I didn't know what to think; should I have been pondering over what exactly happened to the torn note, or where would I have wound up going if there had been no help? I didn't know what to feel either, as if my mind and senses had stopped functioning all together.

My whole life I’ve never considered myself lucky, but right at this moment, I knew luck was everything I had. Perhaps it has always been with me, I just never had enough room in my heart and mind to embrace it.

By eight o'clock in the morning, I was walking down the travelator at Changi Airport. With eyes half-closed, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief; there's nowhere else I'd rather be.

And of course, I had to keep the best souvenir of all time:

(To be continued...)

When I Come Back, Everything's Going to Be Different (Hopefully).

2010-04-09T08:13:00.000+08:00

The longest week of the year ends with me taking yet another break from the virtual world.

Hopefully when I come back, I'll have acquired more clarity, inspiration, and all the good things I have yet to discover in life.

It's going to be a transformational experience.

It'll All Be Over, Before I Can Remember.

2010-03-30T19:08:00.001+08:00

The second half of March involved a lot of frantic mind activities, waking up at irregular hours, frustration and disappointment. All in all, it was everything but stress-free. I'd been constantly torn between feeling anxiously excited and hopelessly lost. Therefore I'm grateful to be able to pull myself back on track, physically and mentally, and to end the month in a calm and peaceful state of mind.

Things are always easier when I'm able to put the worries and thoughts aside and find clarity through non-reactivity.

Weather has been a little creepy as of late. At first it was a lot of rain, then it divided itself into half-day intervals. First half of the day would be really sunny and hot, and as soon as it hit 1p.m., it would start getting dark, followed by thunder and lightning. With the weather being unpredictable, I spent more time indoors than I usually do, reading, singing out loud, napping with the sound of the rain, talking to myself... you know, doing things I do when nobody's watching.

On top of all those, I also practiced a lot on Fantaisie Impromptu. And finally, after four friggin months, I was able to pull off an acceptable performance. Perfecting this piece after I'd learend it about a month ago was a lot harder than I thought. On most days it takes hours before my hands are 'in the mood' to even start playing the song, and it's a constant battle with the self to balance how much to focus on the technical and the emotional aspects of the piece. Well that's why it's a classic I guess.

After about twenty failed attempts to record, this is what I came up with:

Something else I've accomplished - losing belly fat! Avoiding 'gassy' foods, cutting down on dinner and drinking peppermint tea have definitely helped. It's so much more pleasant to look at myself now when I come into shoulderstand.

Hopefully April comes with a lot of sun, because there is so much to look forward to.

Randomness in a Bundle.

2010-03-09T20:32:00.004+08:00

At about 11:30 last night, I was making an online payment right when the bank called to confirm the transaction. The guy on the phone said 'Good morning' twice, and for a second I was confused and thought he might be calling from overseas. But then he was definitely speaking Singlish. Any explanations?

It's been a little over three months now since I attempted to play Fantaisie Impromtu; I finished learning the whole thing about 20 days ago, and stopped practicing as much as I had been since then. I didn't want to overplay the piece and wind up getting bored of it, and I felt taking a break from it would help me reconnect to the emotional aspects of the composition. I still play it once or twice a day, depending on how my hands feel, in an attempt to perfect the piece. In the meantime, I learned two new pop piano pieces, and ventured into a Chopin Nocturne. I've come to realize two things: one, for this particular piece, perfecting is perhaps the most important yet challenging part of the practice, and two, my piano is a little inadequate for playing classical pieces. My childhood dream of having a giant grand piano is still far away.

Some people are worried about me doing nothing every day just because my time is spent on yoga practice, exercising, walking, reading and writing, practicing the piano, and watching movies on my laptop, instead of going to classes half asleep, drinking and partying, dreading every minute at work and talking on the phone. I’m more worried about the fact that a lot of people spend their entire life worrying about the wrong things. I know. Just like how I shouldn’t be worried about what other people choose to worry.

Many things have no logical explanations. The opposite of what it looks or sounds like might just be true.

I've always valued the importance of people more than that of places. I thought it wouldn't matter where I go on a trip or where I choose to live as long as I’m with the people I love. But that mentality might need a little correction, cuz sometimes one place just can't compare with another in whatever dimension. When too many people say the same thing about one country, there has to be a reason. Like this little island, out of many other insignificant things, is known for being boring. And I think I’m starting to see why. One of Singaporeans’ favorite activities: sitting on the benches in shopping malls. I seriously wonder if they call up each other and say 'Hey wanna go sit at the mall?'

Caught one of the Speak Good English Movement posters at the library the other day. The example just makes me laugh. Seriously? That’s the sorta thing you're trying to correct? Aren’t most people here native speakers? Honestly I’ll bet there isn't a single second-language speaker who'd say 'I ownself go,' no matter how bad their English is.

Having a library membership only meant that I’m switching from buying more books than I can read to borrowing more than I can read. My speed of reading has never caught up with my ability to discover new interesting reads. Result of that:

Perhaps I should stop doing so much laundry.

Life Is Always Now.

2010-03-04T02:41:00.001+08:00

Backtracking six months to September of 2009, I was boarding a plane only a week after I’d landed. This time around, things were a little different. A destination that wasn’t all that new, but felt too unfamiliar to be old. I didn’t know what to expect, so I didn’t. All I knew was that whatever lies ahead would be a challenge. And my goal – to overcome the challenge.

I’ve waited, dreaded and counted down for this day to come, although the closer I got to it, the less ready I became. A lot has changed, in all that time of unawareness.

It still puzzles me why time passes by much too quickly on this sunny little island. It’s almost as if I’d fast forwarded time right after getting off that plane and fell on the exact spot where I am right now. And all I could think of was a blast from the recent past.

I’m not sure if half a year is enough to be determinant. But to my knowledge, I’ve succeeded reaching my primary goal, although not in the most conventional sense.

As much as how many values are universal, there are always differences we fail to embrace. To some, success lies in the number of digits on the check, while others measure it by the number of days they are truly happy.

If there was one thing being different has taught me, it had to be how to compare only to myself, and nobody else. I don’t know what peer pressure is, and I don’t care.

Life most certainly isn’t linear; what’s once abundant is gone without a trace, the ups turn into downs, and what you try holding onto with the tightest grip only ends up slipping away right under your eyes.

We are left to find out what's eternal, and what the recurring themes of life are.

All I Need Are a Warm Hug and a Shoulder to Cry on.

2010-02-28T01:40:00.005+08:00

Alternative title: Lost and Found.

If I were a professional blogger, I'd probably fail pretty badly financially, simply cuz I don't write often enough to keep a growing audience. Therefore the good news is, this is only a personal blog, so I get to decide what and when to write.

But trust me, it's never been off my mind. Every single day as I stare at the palm trees, watch the cars pass by, I always await patiently for blog ideas to strike. It did happen a few times before, but lately luck hasn't been on my side. I'm wondering if things are starting to get repetitive or I just need a different perspective. Or maybe there's a different reason.

From what I know, decision making and timing are two things I've never been particularly good at. Desperation has never helped. Neither has tolerance. How tricky is it when I've changed, learned and fought my way to being where I've always wanted to be, only to wind up being less suited? Changes certainly don't happen simultaneously.

I'd never had the courage to face the true self. The more depressed I get, the more I want to portray myself as an optimistist; the weaker I feel, the stronger I try to look; the more I care, the less I want to show. For the longest time the thought of being too far away from the ideal self had had me deeply hurt, until I realized nothing is more important than being who I really am. How did I come up with those criteria of who I should be in the first place anyway? Just because I think I'm this and that, I deserve better, or that I'm underappreciated, doesn't necessarily mean it's true.

To be very honest, this isn't best time of life. As much as I try to bring positive spirit in, I can't deny my own feelings. I can't pretend to be leading an exciting lifestyle and write about my exotic adventures when things aren't that way. I can only be aware of my emotions and try to shift the state of mind.

There have always been two sides of me. And of everything else.

As a child, I loved talking to people, which got me into trouble because I did that a lot in class; no matter who I sat next to, I could always start a chit-chat session. Little did I know, that being able to talk and having someone to talk to were two of the most fortunate things.

Despite being the interactive communicator I appeared to be, I struggled with friendship. Mainly because I didn't understand what it was until after high school. Kinda sad, yes. Having visionless parents that restricted me from doing practically anything contributed to that too. I'd normally spend weekends and holidays at home, figuring out ways to kill time, procrastinating on homework, and reading. Strangely enough, I was perfectly okay with that. I thought it was what everyone did. My world was so small I didn't know other options were available. My dad's philosophy was, and still is, 'focus on school, everything else in life can be neglected.' To think about it now, I figured that may be why he doesn't and has never had a life.

Luckily, I managed to battle my way out of total ignorance.

What's on the surface can be very illusory. You might've thought otherwise, but I spend at least 90% of my time in silence. There was one point where I was alone so much I feared I'd lose my ability to talk; my mind was overloaded with thoughts I felt it would explode any minute.

Neither would I have thought I'd someday have to force myself mute most of the time. Never could I imagine seeing the outspoken, joke-cracking and always-up-for-a-good-laugh self give way to the scarily quiet and contemplative person I sometimes don't recognize.

But in the end, it's not all bad. If it weren't for that, I'd never learn the difference between friendship and companionship, and how little sympathy the world has.

P.S. This post might be a little out of order; I find it hard to express my thoughts in an organized way when I'm thinking too extensively and too irrelevantly.

And I realized there are no pictures. So I searched my Pictures folder and found a boring one:

My new favorite food - briyani rice. Yummy and calorie-rich. Good thing I don't know how to make it.

A wiser way to kill time.

The World Is in Silence

2010-02-13T23:14:00.003+08:00

On the same February afternoon, while D.C. is clobbered with heavy snow, ...

... Singapore, gets ready for yet another tropical Chinese New Year.

We are always here, wishing to be somewhere else. For some, the grass always looks greener on the other side. And for others, they know they need a way out.

There are all the things we can be grateful for - the rising sun that brings a new day each and every morning, the roof over our head, the ability to taste, smell, think, feel and love, the people who are just a phone-call away, and the abundant amount of time and freedom.

But.

What exactly is missing?

At the end, what you choose to see and think is the only thing that matters.

But.

Is playing trick with the mind a life-long game we would never get tired of?

At least.

I can hear my breath and my heartbeat, and every sound I make.

I think that is why, I wasn't born completely deaf.

Sometimes Blogging Is a Way to Clear Doubts, Organize Thoughts, and Keep Track of Progress.

2010-01-31T14:57:00.002+08:00

It's the last day of January Twenty-ten, and my 10th day of being a 22-year-old.

Life is as peaceful as ever. Meaning: quiet, uneventful and unchanging.

Well a few things have been slightly different.

First, I'm losing weight. Finally. Or at least that's how I feel. Can't really tell much of a difference on the scale, but who cares about those numbers. After much trial-and-error, I learned that running too much and too fast isn't for me, neither is any form of high-impact cardio training. That working out at night (9 to 10PM) isn't as effective as getting it done earlier in the day.

The Zen Habits blog put together a post on weight loss tips for people who need to shake off that last few pounds. One thing many of the fitness bloggers listed was to have 7-9 hours of deep sleep every night. Now THAT, I realized, is the key to my weight loss. My body only starts to burn calories properly when I'm in a routined eating and sleeping schedule. For the past two weeks or so, I have been waking up before 8AM, and doing Sun Salutations or other types of morning flow right after. This does a good job awakening my body and keeping me energized throughout the day. Other things I've been finding effective:

Walking. I started walking to and back from the gym, and realized it actually takes shorter than the bus. Wonder why I didn't start doing it earlier.
Detox yoga. This is magical.
Cardio classes. Great workout, no shin pain.
Stretching. Too many people neglect this part of the workout. Stretching is really not about swinging your arms up and down a few times. For myself I usually need deeper stretches. So other than the usual pre- and post-workout stretches, I do deep lunges, squats, half-pigeon and split.
Drinking green tea.

Since I've never had much of a weight problem my whole life, it's like I'm always in the last stage of weight loss where that teeny bit of excess weight just won't come off. I don't want to be stick-thin, and I don't have a skewed perception towards my own body image; I love my body as it is, but I'm also aware that I can work harder to be in better shape. While feeling lucky that I don't have to reduce myself to half my current size to look okay, it also frustrates me when I'm feeling fat and heavy, and stuck in a plateau.

Because of that, I've decided to...

...go light on dinner and go to bed a little hungry. Baby carrots taste so good, why do many people not like them?

And go swimming!! My best friend constantly tells me to swim more whenever we talk. And so far I've made it to the pool only one time. With all the time in hand, I'm still always procratinating on getting a bikini wax and hitting the pool. Maybe if I were a better swimmer I'd be more excited to go; it just happens I'm such a lousy swimmer that I have to stop every few breaths.

Meanwhile, I have a new hobby:

tannning in the January sun, while most of you are freezing yourselves in the cold. Tropical weather does have its upside. The first winter after I'd started living in Hong Kong, it suddenly hit me: I don't have clothes for winter. And worse, I don't know how to dress for winter. Although in Hong Kong's case, you wouldn't know what to wear most of the time cuz the weather's too unpredictable.

As much as I enjoy seeing and being in the sunlight, I still miss the winter; it used to mean family, happy birthdays and festivity.

After more than two months of practice, I finally made it to the end of Fantaisie Impromtu. A lot of fine-tuning is needed, but it's here!! I'm still excited, although my ears got a little bored of the tune. I should probably take a break from playing it to reconnect to the emotions expressed through the piece. It's like how I always get tired of my favorite songs after listening to them nonstop, but after a while they're still my favorite songs.

The ending bit took longer than I thought it would. Other than syncing the two hands with the 3/4 timing, the hardest thing about this piece is probably that it's played at such a rapid speed what you hear is different from how it's actually played. My mental play is probably still not up to speed. And I have yet to build more endurance in the hands so the fingers don't get too sore even before the cantabile section starts.

Now what I really need is someone to share the joy.

I'd really like to know what family is to most people. How big a difference would it make if your parents were gone? And how much do you think you need them in your life?

I've always wondered, how true it is when spiritual teachings say that charity starts at home, and that if you can't love your own people, you won't be able to love others. I thought. How is love love if you can't choose who to love?

Worth a thought. But I'm not going to bother.

When you know you are doing the right thing, you just know.

Long Hard Way to Happiness and Love.

2010-01-24T16:45:00.004+08:00

Age Nine

Your dream is to grow your hair long, but somehow it can never come true. You spend most of your weekends and holidays at home. But none of these bother you, you stay simple-minded and happy.

Age Ten

Your birthday falls in one of the coldest winters ever. You remember walking on the heavy snow.

You are happy because you can finally stop taking piano lessons; the one single thing you hated the most was having to sit in front of the piano and practice for at least an hour every single day of the past five years. You are finally rescued from that kind of torture.

Age Twelve

You have the kind of body that can fit into any size, despite the weekly intakes of junk food.

You've had a few crushes on guys at school, but never really thought about having a boyfriend. Being able to see the boy you like every day is enough to make you happy.

You think you are smarter than most kids your age, and your teacher writes on your academic report saying that you'll do better with less pride.

Age Thirteen

You don't seem to know the difference between friendship and companionship. And you think sportswear is cool.

Age Fourteen

You are having multiple self-esteem problems. And you believe in love at first sight.

Age Fifteen

You are still dealing with self-esteem issues; you hate yourself for being fat, ugly and not knowing enough English. You spend most of your time alone. You start making impulsive decisions without considering the consequences they will have.

Age Sixteen

You've gone to bed so many nights thinking/wishing it's the end of the world. You cry so much you almost have no control over tears. You don't start talking to your mom because you know it always gets you upset. You wish there was help.

You start making friends, but you don't know who they are.

Age Seventeen

You are living an imbalanced life, it hurts to think how far you are from who you are trying to be.

You are dating a guy you haven't liked for even a day.

The one single thing that makes you upset the most is the thought of not having anyone close.

Age Eighteen

You seem to have lost interest in everything. On your birthday you thought you were too old to start a new life.

You feel suffocated most of the time.

Age Nineteen

You are very unhappy, and helpless. You wish you were less different. You ask yourself why. Why can't time go faster?

Age Twenty

Knowing that you are going to be here for another one and half years, you try your best to make life better.

You still don't really have any friends. And you don't even bother making more friends.

You deviate yourself from the reality by spending a lot of time on the Internet.

You crush on a guy because he has the most beautiful smile in the world.

On your twentieth birtday one of your friends baked you a cake - the first you've had since you were ten.

Age Twenty-One

You realize you need to let go - of the past, the obsessive thoughts, things that are not within your control, and the ego. You feel you are free from all that heavy burden you've been carrying for the first time in your life. Sometimes you even think you could call yourself happy.

Your longing for love and affection has led you into a complicated virtual relationship. You've had a lot of doubts and second thoughts, and know deep in your heart that this is definitely not what you've been looking for. But you haven't stopped yourself from being drawn deeper into it because you enjoy the feeling of being loved and cared. Even if it's virtual.

You've met an awesome guy, and for the first time in years, you are able to envision yourself being in a relationship with someone. Only that he doesn't even qualify as a potential boyfriend and you will never be what he wants no matter how hard you try. Your consciousness tells you that this is probably for the best; without the possibility of becoming more than friends, you can love him a lot more, and not expect anything in return.

You've traveled half way across the world to a different continent.

You think this is by far the best year of your life.

Age Twenty-Two

You are at your most spiritual self.

Lifestyle changes have brought your awareness back. You are learning to accept and appreciate things even if they are not in the most ideal condition. After an occasional few mental breakdowns, you think you know the secrets to staying positive and hopeful.

You spend a lot time alone, but you are not lonely.

You constantly remind yourself of how far you have come so you know that you are capable of going much further.

You are no longer terrified by how fast time goes by. Instead you feel strong, powerful and ready. You may have just turned twenty-two, but there is a whole life ahead of you.

Just Cuz No One Cares What I Had for Lunch, Doesn't Mean I Can't Write About It.

2010-01-17T12:56:00.020+08:00

---A photographed log of my day.

The day starts at 7:30AM.

I get out of bed feeling well-rested and revived. Surprisingly, my shoulder blades and arms aren't sore from yesterday's combat class.

I hit the yoga mat for a 30-minute Baptiste Power Vinyasa Flow. Having my own mat definitely comes in handy.

Breakfast is the usual mix of baby oats, banana, crunchy peanut butter and an additional brick of Toblerone dark chocolate. Approximately 450 kcal.

I pull out pen and paper and brush up on music theory before heading off to teach the piano.

I soak myself in the warm morning sun as I walk. The best thing about this city is probably the abundant amount of sunshine it gets all year round.

As I am teaching I think about how frustrating it must have been for my old piano teacher to handle me at the age of five, altough I have no memory of my first lesson at all, not even any bits of being a beginner. It feels almost as if it's a natural talent to read and play those notes. There are other things of being a 5-year-old that I remember though. For example, the cute guys in kindergarten.

After two black and white hours, I hop onto the bus in the bright midday sun and head straight to the Yamaha book store. I entertain myself on the long bus ride by listening to Oprah's Soul Series and reading:

The mall is heavily decorated with some Chinese New Year theme. I look through the whole three shelves of books under Piano Method and make careful selections.

I arrive at the gym just in time for a BodyStep class (about 5 minutes late actually). It makes me wonder if all step instructors are gay as this one marks the end of another track with an effeminately glamorous hip-swinging pose. I find him very entertaining nevertheless. Why do BodySteppers have great butts? Because they've got a cute instructor. He says. After class I stretch and skip other cardio trainings for the day, and work on my abs and arms.

Then I push through the Saturday-evening crowd in the mall and get the much-needed grocery shopping done. My buys: tofu, bananas, cherry tomotoes, pinklady apples, baby carrots, zucchini's, greens and white nectarines.

A short bus ride later, I'm home after a long day out. Feeling rather energetic, I pull out my mat and go through 20 minutes of Detox Yoga, as I watch the sun setting from the open window. Yoga is most desirably done after cardio exercises, as a nice and thorough stretch and a way to maximize the afterburn effect. I, however, on most days, do it the other way around. I figure that may be why I'm not losing much weight and always wind up sore in the muscles.

I stretch my arms to get ready as I power on the piano. My practice routine is a relatively simple one: finger exercises + whatever pieces I'm learning. On this particular day, I start with playing 38 two-page exercises straight, followed by 36 major and minor scales and 24 arpeggios. I continue with playing a few sonatinas from an old book of mine. Probably the only book I have with me from when I used to take piano lessons. This is sometimes my favorite part of the practice, because I can forget about expressions, pedaling and play those pieces ridiculously fast. And revisit my childhood as I play.

Then I dig into Fantaisie Impromtu. I'm surprised I haven't gotten bored of it yet, after almost two months of practicing. I'm almost there, almost there. I tell myself. But never actually there. Yet. I end the practice with playing the whole piece (without the ending) twice at full speed, not realizing that I'm sweating a lot and my left wrist is so painful it's almost numb. Great. Cardio and strength in one.

Half way through my practice, I whip up a random salad for dinner with butterhead lettuce, cherry tomatoes, zucchini's, half an avocado and baby carrots, topping everything with salt, black pepper, and organic vegan caesar dressing. Approx. 500 kcal. Tastes better it looks. At this point you may be wondering if this is turning into a food blog. And don't worry, it's not. Although I can write more about my eats if you'd like me to. But in three days you'll see the repetitive pattern and start getting bored. Like my mouth does.

I turn on the radio, ease myself onto the mat again and practice on Child's Pose, Seated Forward Bend, and split - areas I feel I need to improve. Out of all the great music in the world, they have to play Britney Spear's Gimme More. Horrible song. I think to myself and switch channel. As I push my front leg forward I hear Summer Love remixed with Cantonese rap. Like. Huh? I wince and breathe through the painful sensations.

Then I sit and debate with myself whether I shall add on to my calorie intake by consuming a pack of cookies and finally give up on the idea and hit the hay instead. So I can sleep the cravings off.

It's 11:40PM.

Do you realize what's missing? Yes, MY LUNCH. The whole point for writing this post.

Sweet potato fries...

... and pineapple fried rice. Approximately.... god I don't even want to approximate. A safe guess, 800 kcal?

Your day is probably a lot more exciting. That is exactly why you should be happy!

P.S. I can't imagine what I'd do if I had a full-time job.

Because I Had To.

2010-01-10T19:05:00.039+08:00

The first time I learned about the internet was when I was in middle school – not too many years ago, but we never had a computer in my family back then. It wasn’t until grade 10 where my official encounter with the internet happened, after I’d bought my first laptop. So I haven’t been a long-time internet user at all, compared to many kids my age. But given how tech-savvy I was to start with, I soon graduated from being an amateur and became a proud member of the Savvy Netizens’ Club.

Initially my online time was solely devoted to chatting, of course, with people I know. I did go to the chatrooms once, when MSN still had those. That's how my username US_pork came around. Then there was Xanga. I started it after seeing many people from school do it. Nevertheless, being ignorant and boring as I was, I really didn't have much to write. Neither did I have any readers. Still I liked blogging, mostly because I loved rambling about random things and using it as a procrastinating tool. All I’d written about sums up to basically three things – being bored, being tired, and being upset. That's pretty much what my high school life was like. Oh well. Glad it's different now.

One reason why the internet is a great procrastinating tool is that there are endless sites for you browse, and one site links to another. The excitement of discovering new stuff every day resulted in more online time, spent on browsing through sites that are utterly useless to any aspects of my personal development. I could be totally absorbed in looking at pictures of complete strangers, or watching random shows online. By the time I finish browsing the web, it's usually a few hours after I'd planned to start my homework. I hated myself so much for not having any control over my own time, and wished I could just stay offline for even a day. But there was never a time that I didn’t go online while I had access to it.

Ever since college, I adopted more and smarter things to do online. Shopping, downloading podcasts, reading forums, proper blogging, facebooking, and researching, which drew me even deeper into the World Wide Web. Well at least I was doing SOMETHING productive online now.

It may not sound like such a bad thing - making use of the internet in many different ways. If I only went online whenever I needed to – to check emails, research, and get connected with people, it would’ve been totally okay. But if it were just that, I wouldn't have to be sitting in front of the screen for more than five hours a day. And I wouldn’t have to make every excuse to go online, and do EVERYTHING except the important things I’d planned to do. Over time I’d kinda gotten used to the lifestyle that evolved around the internet, and didn’t hate myself for going online a lot as much as I used to.

The self-debate never ended, however. The voice in my head never stopped telling me how much time I was wasting, and how much more I would have been able to accomplish if I'd cut down my online time. While wholeheartedly agreeing with this voice, I only devoted more and more hours to screen-staring and mouse-clicking, until I realized that it wasn't just a bad habit like biting nails or clenching. It was an addiction. And that's when I decided to do something about it.

I asked myself many questions.

What is it about the internet that makes it so tempting and irresistible? And why was I so manipulated by it?

I thought about my intentions and reasons for going online before I boot the laptop each time, and realized that I always turned to the virtual world for things that are non-existent. Whenever I felt lonely, or started contemplating about a certain thing, my immediate reaction would be to go online. If I had nothing to do, or had a lot of work, I went online. When I was happy, I went online; and when I was sad, I still went online. It's as if the internet was my soulmate; the one single person that has ever had the potential to understand me without me having to explain much about myself, and the only place that has got all the answers I ever needed.

Or maybe that was just the euphemistical and sophisticated logical explanation I came up to confuse myself, while the truth is just that I’m a loser who can’t find anything else to do. Who knows? Haha.

So I was listening to ToolstoLife and they talked about quitting certain things (smoking/drugs/alcohol) and how some people always say they’ve got it under control. And they suggested that, if you have something under control, then try stopping it for 30 days and see what happens. Find out how you feel without doing it for 30 days, and if it’s an addiction. That’s what inspired me go net-free for 30 days. The idea freaked me out a little at first. The longest I’ve gone without the internet is probably less than a week - when I’m traveling and don’t have immediate access to computers. But I still decided to give it a try.

As it turns out, it’s not nearly as difficult as I thought it’d be. Maybe the self-disciplinary power I’ve acquired over the years helped? Or have I just gotten too Zen over the past few months that I could even sit in a cave all day and meditate?

Anyway! Without being part of the chaotic virtual world, I…

…made my very own veggie wrap. Delish.

…dug out my bulky paper dictionary as an alternative to Dictionary.com. The internet really has taken over our world hasn’t it? Well glad I finally made some use of it. I was even thinking of getting rid of it since I was tired of carrying the bulk with me all the time and never touching it. I used to have a much lighter electronic dictionary my mom got me back in high school, like every other international student does. But I trashed it when I was packing one time, for some unknown reason.

…went to the BookFest, and snapped some goodies!

…have made huge progress on practicing Fantaisie Impromptu! Ever since the last update, I’ve learned five more pages (the sheet I have has eleven pages); the whole piece is divided into three parts plus the ending, and since the third part is basically a repetition of the first, I’m left with well under two pages, and more precisely, 18 BARS to conquer!! Man I’m excited. I’m as excited as when I first started learning the piece, thinking maybe I’d have to quit half-way because it’d be too much to handle. But look what hardwork can do! I really can’t wait to play the whole thing and make people who don’t play the piano gasp. LOL.

And I’ve decided what the next piece I’m learning is. More Chopin! Getting all classical, eh?

…curled my hair. This is a relatively more successful attempt at it. It still didn’t hold for more than a few hours. And the look is a tad too girly. I figured out the next day that I just had to loosen and brush through the curls to get the loose wavy look I wanted to achieve. Guess I’ll just keep experimenting.

…played with kids.

… explored the city. A glimpse from the Esplanade of the Resorts World at Sentosa under its final stages of construction.

And walked by the place where I spent four friggin years at. Can you believe it?

Like this, Chiristmas has come and gone, and 2010 is officially here. One of the scary things about living here is that time passes by faster than you can ever think, imagine or see. Seriously. It’s unlike any other part of the world. Sometimes you forget what day it is, or even what month. You’d never need to find ways to kill time, cuz it always commits suicide. I’m still unsure of the reason; it could be the tropical weather, the short and routined daylight cycles, or maybe the lifestyle people have adopted over time? But I think it’s one of my favorite things about living here, because the faster the time goes by, the more clearly I see how I change, grow and transform on many different levels. My New Year’s resolution: to be my personal best. Vague? I know.

Now that I’ve blogged, wished most of my loves a happy new year, and took care of everything else online, it’s probably time to take a break from the online community again. So I can focus on discovering inspiring ideas to blog about. Until then, be well, be safe, and stick to your New Year’s resolutions.

Be Back in 30 Days.

2009-12-09T03:06:00.003+08:00

I should probably remind myself whenever I make statements like this - nobody really reads your blog anyway!

Oh well. JUST thought you might wanna know. I'm going Internet-free for 30 days.

Happy early New Years!

And look forward to an inspirational blog post when I'm back!

Sarcasm Emerges from a Mind That Is Idle, Confused and Unsure of Its Destination.

2009-12-06T03:40:00.005+08:00

I have become somewhat terrified when I'm questioned upon the decisions I have made in the past. And sadly, this is not the end of it. A full time job seeker handles many difficult tasks. Finding reasonings to back up even the choices you regret you had made is just one of them. Being a skillful liar is another.

Of course there are the fortunate few who always knew what they wanted to do and have taken every step of the way with care. But unfortunately, I haven't done enough to be one of those people. Planning is something that never really worked in my entire life. I should have learned that when I failed to follow those self-made schedules every summer of my elementary years. Only that I didn't, because I was incapable of analyzing myself. That's another thing, whenever I realize something is wrong, the damage is done; I can only console myself by thinking, well at least, I've learned from it.

I wish I could just be 100% honest with you when you ask me why. The answer is 'I don't know.' I thought it was the best possible way to make things work back then. Or maybe I just never gave my decisions a second thought. Yeah. That's probably true. I was way too ignorant to foresee what the future holds. In other words, too messed up to care about myself, or to even realize nobody would if I didn't. So a few years go by, I'm sitting here paying the price. I gave up on things before looking into more options; I settled for less than what I had hoped for, just because I thought it would have been better than nothing; I lost sight of the big picture too soon, only to realize then there was still chance. I honestly don't know what was going through that head of mine. Was it really because there was no choice, or did I just like to think that way? Perhaps I just didn't have enough persistence to find the way for my will. And I liked to blame it on others. That's what we all do isn't it?

But it is not all bad. Like they say, we learn from our mistakes. Besides, how do you really judge if a decision is right or wrong before making it? I was probably being careless and unaware of what I was doing, but that doesn't make everything absolutely WRONG. Because there is no wrong. Only different.

So the next time you interview me, and I start pulling out all that crap about how I always change for the better, just know that it's not completely untrue. I AM more capable than most people to make changes. Inside out and upside down. And I do believe in changing for the better. Except it's not really why I did what I did. I only completed half of my job in the process of making a change. I was too overwhelmed with the fact that I escaped, and was taken by surprise when I figured out it wasn't the end. And who am I trying to confuse here? Why don't we just make it simple? I failed. Miserably.

I still believe everything happens for a reason though. As much as what our own decisions can determine, certain events are bound to happen. Things like, you know, meeting a friend the unconventional way, confusing friendship with love, relying on fragile bonds and forgetting where you started. Or maybe they happen just so you can learn another lesson.

So now the big question is: Why do I come back to a place I swore I would never land a foot on? Am I really hoping to adopt a new perspective of seeing things, or did I just forget how much I hated it? Perhaps there is a hidden reason I have yet to find out. With all that self-analyzing skills I have acquired over the years, I am still struggling to answer many questions. Because you know, situations just get more complex each time.

Under the Singapore Sun

2009-11-26T20:30:00.007+08:00

Grrr.. This isn't going to be a very interesting entry I guess. There's too much going on my mind my flow of inspiration is kinda broken. But if I don't write it now I probably never will. Oh wellzz. I believe free writing doesn't need to be perfectly plotted does it?

It would've been the perfect time of the day to go for a walk. But not today. The sun seems to have gotten its power back after all the rainfall this little island has been getting. Staying inside watching all the heat it was releasing made me sweat all over my body. Or is it because, my air-con decided to break down? Yes at a time like this. Better yet, I couldn't have just gone to the gym or to the mall. I just so happened to have an application form to fill in, and an interview to prepare for. So I still took my walk, and dragged my butt to the library. In the incredibly unbeatable heat. I was wondering how perfectly tanned I would have gotten if I'd spent the whole day at the pool.

On one of the breezier and cooler evenings a few days back though, I did take a very long and nice walk through the fitness park I'd newly discovered. This city is full of greenery! I learned that every time I drag myself outa the door for a walk, it always pumps me up and makes me feel inspired.

Day 10 on Fantaisie Impromptu - managed to hit all the notes on the first page, despite being nowhere close to being fluent. And ventured into the first four bars on page 2. I feel like an obese person doing a long-slow-burn cardio session, where success is nowhere in sight. Bad thing about practicing this piece is that there is no way to accelerate the progress. I can't just play over and over again until it is perfect like any other songs cuz 3 minutes of intense practice would make my wrists and fingers hurt. So yea. Gotta take it slow.

Finger exercises would help I guess. But this is the most ridiculous exercise ever. It says, "Hold down these three notes with each hand while executing the 12 measures." Turned my hand into a complete bizarre shape when I tried to play.

When I took piano lessons about 10 to 15 years ago, the instructors always focused on how good my hands look on the piano; by good, they meant things like both hands being stable, rounded palms, and resting the wrists low. And I've tried to keep that in mind in all those years I haven't had a teacher. But I'm starting to question if that could also be one of the limitations to playing challenging pieces. I don't think any pianists really care that much about the shape of their hands or what facial expressions they make. After all, there is a slight difference between piano performances and modeling, right?

I have two singing performances in the next two weeks, plus an interview. Har har. See you're not the only one who's busy.

P.S. A 60-hour work week sounds fine. But glueing my eyes to the computer screen the whole 10 hours while I'm work sounds terrifying. I see it leading to a very unhealthy lifestyle. Do people really think sacrificing eeeeverything else in their life for their job is worth it?

This Is What a Regular Person's Journal Looks Like; Obviously I'm Not the Queen of Fag-Hags.

2009-11-20T19:35:00.014+08:00

They say you don't have to wait for inspiration to strike to be inspired. Just write. And if you write regularly, inspiration will find its way to you.

I have no idea what is up with the weather; why is there so much rain? As soon as I got onto the bus to go home after gym, it POURED. Having an umbrella or not at this point really wouldn't make a difference. I didn't get back until about 2 hours later, after detouring to McDonald's and waiting till the rain cleared up to get a cab. While I was waiting I got myself chicken nuggets and fries. So much for my effort to cut down on deep fried food! If there wasn't rain, I'd probably be having whole wheat spirals with veggies.

Because of the shin pain I had I decided to alternate doing HIIT on the elliptical with the treadmill, just so it won't be too harsh on shins and joints. Still can't really figure out what an effective routine on the elliptical is though.

Did some BMR calculation last night. This site does a pretty comprehensive analysis for you once you input all your info. It tells you how much calories you should be eating if you want to reach your goal weight. The results I got tell me I should be eating at about 2153-2393 kcal a day with my activity level in order to reach my goal weight. Not that I bother counting the calories of every food I eat, but I probably eat about 1500 kcal a day. And that's like 3 filling meals each of 500 kcal. Eating 2000 kcal a day would be like indulging myself in high-fat food. I probably just have to intake more lean protein to keep up with all the energy I burn. Hmmm. People don't realize it but it's actually way harder for a skinnier person to lose that few extra pounds and get toned than an overweight person.

In other news, I have started to practice Fantaisie Impromptu; I feel like it's been too long since I learned a new piece. That's why. Today is the 5th day into my practice, and I'm still on page one. So I can't say for sure how long it'll take before I can finally play. Or if I'll be able play the whole thing at all. We'll see how that goes and I'll be updating my progress.

This page is supposed to be played in less than 20 seconds.

On an irrelevant note, I still haven't found time to read. I haven't even finished reading the two books I bought almost one and a half years ago. I remember searching all over Hong Kong to get A New Earth in the summer of 2007 and thinking I'd finish reading it in a month or so, to only end up forgetting I'd ever bought it after the first few pages. Right now I'm still only on Chapter 3. I really don't know what that desperation was all about. Maybe life just somehow turned itself around and I didn't feel like I needed a self-help book to stay pumped anymore? After finishing the books I already have I'll probably make a second trip to the library to see if there are any exciting new reads. Well PROBABLY. Gotta find the time to read first. It really makes me wonder why there is no time for it when I have about 16 hours a day to myself. Same thing I wonder right before finals why I haven't studied much at all while being given a month to do so. Such mysteries of time.

Vivocity is definitely the best place to shop! I got pieces to add to my collection of tank tops. I really couldn't care less about fashion.

P.S. If you have read up to here, you are probably wondering why I titled the post the way I did. Well that's cuz when I said I was lacking inspiration for blog entries, one of my lousy friends suggested that I start a blog on fag-hags; that way every gay lover will be interested to read it and I'll build a good-sized audience.

Well that is never going to happen because:

1) I'm not interested in gay men. Even if I happen to be in love with one someday, it won't be because he's gay.
2) It's not like I have a group of gay friends. That's why me =/= fag-hag. And I highly doubt the saying that gay guys have cute straight friends.
3) What's worse than having an unpopular blog? - Being known as the queen of fag-hags.

The More You Know, The More You Know You Don't Know.

2009-11-18T03:47:00.003+08:00

I should really cherish everything and everyone I have in life. It has just been such a long way. I might still be running to catch up with many others, but I know I am far ahead of my old self.

I am no perfectionist. Neither am I too greedy to want only what I don't have. That's why changing for the better makes me happier, and seeing a bad experience turn into a good one makes me thankful.

While I was reading a blog by a college student from Duke earlier, I was being reminded a lot about how badly I wanted to get out of school when I first started college, and how painful I felt not being able go where I wanted to go and do what I'd always wanted to do. The only thing left to do was watch my life happen on someone else and think "That should be what I'm doing." Finding it hard to fit in and having no one share it with only added pain to the wound. I would never stop wishing for the tiniest bit of hope or guidance to save me from being so choicelessly clueless.

It took me long enough to let go of my obsessive and highly unrealistic thoughts. And to realize that the only time things are truly hopeless is when you give up all hope for changes. Worst times of life are there for you to make the best out of them. Happiness definitely doesn't lie on a perfectly planned path, but in overcoming difficulties.

It just puts my mind at ease to know that I am no longer stuck in between frustration and the unknown, and that at least, there are things I can do to make life better. At the end I found my own balance. Hopefully once and for all.

Neighborhood at night.

P.S. What the heck? This is totally not what I'd planned on blogging about. Might have to do another entry about what I really wanted to talk about - workouts, new piano pieces and shopping in Singapore. But I wonder.. does anyone actually read what I write anyway??

Life Needs a Little Passion. Because the Challenge Is Ongoing.

2009-11-10T02:44:00.014+08:00

So.

I'm still in this looongg slowww process of job hunting. It's been a good while now. Maybe I've been procrastinating, or luck just hasn't come around yet. But I'd rather think I'm being cautious with the decisions I make and the steps I take. Havng made enough wrong choices in life has finally taught me a lesson.

Well life needs to go on. No matter you succeed or fail. I know all that a little too well. I do, in fact, KNOW a lot of things in theory; my problem is just putting them into practice. My thoughts =/= actions.

Things could've been worse, so I can't complain. It just feels somewhat weird to be out of school, jobless, and at the same time living in a sort of/not really new place where nobody is truly around. I don't know if I've developed a kinda love-hate relationship with this country, or do I just rather not want to be bothered thinking about it at all. After all this time, one great thing I learned is how to let go. To let go of all my emotions, my obsessive thoughts, and sometimes even what I care about the most. Now I don't know if that really is a great thing. At least it helps me feel better most of the time. We only move on when we are able to forget. And that's why time is the cure for many, many things.

Life is the best it can get at this point I believe. I don't know if it's the same as how I imagined it to be, cuz I'm starting to forget what my imaginations were. Pretty sure they are pointless anyway, cuz you know the reality always turns out differently.

My sleep schedule has been a mess, and it's not my fault. I'm giving my very best attempt at rising early, yet my body is against me. I would wake up at 9 in the morning one day, go to bed early at night, and find myself wide awake after a few hours of sleep because of hunger or whatever mysterious reason there could be; and when I fell back into sleep it would be another 5 or 6 hours before I woke to see the friggin clock pointing at 2:45. So I don't know. Could I be jet-lagged without traveling across time zones?? :S

I've decided to take a walk around my neighborhood whenever I can. It's certainly a very good thing to do. Especially when it's been raining so much lately; when it's not, the weather is just too beautiful to miss.

My neighborhood is actually pretty nice. Except there are way too many cars. That's why I only jog on the treadmill.

I saw a school bus from my old high school parked outside a hawker center.

Interval training has been working pretty well for me. Only problem is that my joints hurt a little after working out sometimes. I don't know if it has to do with the way I wear those shoes, or if I don't stretch enough. I guess I gotta warm up my ankles and knees better. I've been trying to do cardio sessions before yoga, so it helps me stretch a lot better. But I just can't seem to make it to the gym that early.

The post-workout meal I whipped up the other night. Tomatoes, spirals, lettuces, some garlic bread snack plus fat-free mayonnaise! Yum. LOLz. My mom said maybe I could be a chef someday after eating some random pasta I made the other day. Not a career path I'll ever think about, but it's always nice to eat delicious and healthy food. Maybe it costs you a little more money and time, but it'll do you a lot better than McDonald's.

On another random note, my skin condition has improved a whole lot ever since I moved back. I'm guessing it likes the tropical breeze more than the unpredictable and ultra-humid weather in Hong Kong! : ]

P.S. Maybe it IS partially my fault not being able to get
back on the right sleep schedule. Cuz I'm staying up to blog instead of going to bed, while the drowsiness has kicked in like a few hours ago.

Caught in Motion

2009-11-04T01:39:00.010+08:00

--- Secrets to Successful Yay-I'm-Flying Jumping Pictures

I tried out Yoga Core yesterday thinking it would be an easy, slow-paced class. And whoa! I knew I was wrong as soon as the class started. I've never even been to a pilates class this tough! My abs were so sore afterwards I ended up doing only 20 reps on the ab trainer instead the usual 50. This morning (afternoon) I woke up with an extremely painful butt and my whole torso was hurting. I hope it's relief pain!

Hmm yea that was irrelevant. Anyway I'm just saying, that this is why I'm skipping workout today to blog.

Browsing through my picture folders, I realize I have more than a normal amount of jumping pictures. I just seem to really love getting my and my friends' feet off the ground. And that's how I end up with a collection of perfect/creative/hilarious jumping pics.

A few things I came to realize after all the trial and error:

Jumping can take place anywhere and everywhere.

On campus.

Outside the library.

In front of a graffti wall.

In front of the Washington Monument.

At Times Square.

In Atlantic City.

This is definitely a perfect jump!

You can jump in any outfit of your own choice too.

In a bikini. Although I highly advise you not to do so.

In work uniform.

In a grad gown and heels. That too, is not recommended.

In a mini skirt.

But you'll be able to jump a lot higher in pants.

You don't have to jump alone. You can always jump with someone together.

And high five each other!

My best jumping partner!

You don't need to set your camera on 'action mode' to take those pics. Use 'portrait' or 'manual' without flash on is the best. Focus the lens on the person (when the green box on the LCD is showing) and stand by. Press the shutter-release button the minute s/he gets off the ground. It's THAT easy. It really is.

Of course. Before the perfect picture comes into place, there are always millions of failed attempts.

It's either taken too late.

Or too early.

Some people just have difficulty getting up. LOLz.

Others are too scared to jump. Double LOLz.

And yes. Sometimes you really need a pro photographer and communicate with your jumping partners well when you're trying to get a group jumping picture. Because there's only one camera to capture all of you.

LOLz x 3.

Now what I really need to do is think of something new to do when taking pictures. Jumping too much gets boring too. Unless I get real creative. Any suggestions?

Let Go and Start Over. It's an Endless Journey.

2009-10-31T02:58:00.004+08:00

I'm still in disbelief that I'm here. Where I could only imagine to be and where I looked forward to being all this time. It still doesn't feel like everything's over. But it is.

Time does a lot of tricky things. It almost felt like it's yesterday, before you realized that three years have gone by. Yet things have changed so much even the tiniest traces of the past are lost.

Who would've anticipated changes to take place when this year was almost coming to the end? I thought things would've kept going uphill. But I was wrong. Not that they went downhill, it's just that the difference is starting to reveal and I have yet to catch up with its pace.

Sometimes I get confused. And stuck in my own thoughts. Am I better off without all the chaos? Or is having a quiet mind a wrong goal to pursue? I don't know if happiness is more like contentment or excitement.

Whatever. One thing I know, is that staying conscious always helps. All of a sudden I'm starting to see a lot of issues of myself again. Maybe I'm just one of those people who secretly fears all the things they pretend not to even care. I know everyone has flaws, but I just wish I could accept mine better, my confidence was a little more consistent, and what I do is a little closer to who I try to present.

Hopefully there is enough time to learn. I believe there will be. Because you never grow old, only wiser.

P.S. I feel so uninspired I think I need to take creative writing classes! Or meet more interesting people. Hmm.

Why Is There a Limit to Love?

2009-10-21T03:00:00.006+08:00

Maybe it's my curse, to fall for the most impossible guys, and have all the wrong guys like me.

Why do you have to be so close yet so unapproachable; so perfect yet so wrong; so much of a friend, but nothing of a lover.

If I didn't have to restrain myself from crossing the line, I'd smother you with love.

I'm Vulnerable. It's True.

2009-10-14T05:45:00.002+08:00

Doesn't sound like a happy title does it?

Right now I'm right in the middle of heaven and the old deep dark hole. I know the choice is mine. But I'm a little lost and my feet seem heavier than usual to make a move.

I will be fine. Time will prove me right; and time will do me right. I just gotta need that one streak of light to guide me through, and to open up a whole new world.

Looking in retrospect, I'm realizing that being loved was not the only thing that made a difference in my life. Being more open and letting go of the fears I hadn't been able to even face in the longest time was another. Sometimes being able to share the deepest truth with someone ends up in amazing results. One of the podcasts I listened to the other day suggests that we ask ourselves four questions when having a hard time locating our deepest truths:

What are some things that I crave doing/being/feeling that I'm avoiding?
Is there a dream i have that has been long tucked away?
With whom is it difficult to be vulnerable?
How do you avoid going after what you want?

I thought those were very inspiring. As much as how everyone has goals and dreams, we always find ways to avoid reaching them. Most of the time we'd avoid truly thinking about those questions too.

Like I do, everyone has a vulnerable side. A side you try your best to hide in front people who have the power to bring your vulnerability out. And always fail to.

I'm well aware of my vulnerability. No matter what strong cover I put on, deep down I'm very, very vulnerable. I fear of loneliness, of failure, of being loveless, and of pretty much everything in the near or far future. I fear losing the ones I love, and being helpless when they're gone in my life; I fear letting out my real feelings when I fall for someone I can't have; and I fear admitting who and what I really care.

Life is full of imperfections. And many things happen for no reason, or a reason you're never going to find out. The worst part is, most of the time we have to deal with all that with our emotional immaturity. It's always a little too late, when we realize what it really is. And a little to early, to foresee how things are going to end up.

There is nothing to regret. Though. Because we learn and grow each and every time.

Ready?

2009-10-11T02:04:00.001+08:00